In Our Brokenness

In our brokenness...

We learn the most about ourselves.
You are always told that it is during the hard times that you become a better person. But many times, by the time we have made it through the hard times we forget to remember and look for what it is we have learned. I was recently advised to make a list of a self evaluation questions that I can periodically ask myself to keep reminding myself to learn and live with a purpose. I tend to hide from the world when I am struggling but I am learning that it is because I don't know where to begin evaluating myself. So when I am doubting, struggling with jealousy or regret, I can ask myself these questions and learn more about myself instead of beating myself up.

We take it out on the people we care for most.
We all do it. You have a bad day at work or stub your toe getting out of bed and your first reaction is to blame everyone else. What I am learning is that blaming others only pushes you further away. When I feel that I am losing control or maybe don't want to be open with someone I tend to just distance myself. Well, trust me, it doesn't work. But what I have learned is to value the people you care for the most. Always be willing to be open with them and work through conflict.

We remember God's unfailing love for us.
This is the biggest one for me.  Everyday I am more and more overwhelmed at how God takes care of us and makes his plan clear to us. He continues to open doors for me to get back to jovenes, he shows me everyday that there is a bigger picture. When the world is telling me "you need to get married, go to graduate school, buy a house" I can remember that God loves me and he is taking care of my future. God's love keeps me from being suffocated by the world.

But finally, In our brokenness, God gives us peace. How exciting it is to know that we are not in control...the creator of our universe is!

What I Have Learned About Myself In One Year

It is amazing to me how no matter how much you grow and learn, there is always something else to learn about yourself. One of the things that I have always struggled with is being opinionated and thinking that my way is the right way. I guess you could say that I wasn't always the most agreeable person (but everyone has their moments right?). We recently had a foreign exchange student come live with our family for ten months. Our goal for the ten months that he was with us was to make him a part of our family. We wanted him to feel accepted and feel like we were his family.

From this, I learned how a family really works and how a marriage relationship should work. It may seem kind of silly to compare a foreign exchange program with a marriage (especially since I'm not married), but I really learned a lot from the experience. And once again, I learned some of the weaknesses that I struggle with. Being in a relationship or creating and adding to a family takes a lot of self sacrifice...a lot more than I thought. I kind of took the relationship I had with my family for granted because, of course I am going I love them unconditionally, they are my family. And then it dawned upon me, if I am in a serious relationship, or wanting to adopt a child, or foster a child, or even have a foreign exchange student, then I am going to have to learn how to see those people like I see my family.

It's harder than you think. Imagine having a brother or sister that wrecks your car, breaks your phone or loses your favorite book. At first you would probably be so   mad, maybe even more mad than you would be at your friends, but you would still love them and you would still accept them. Whereas, if a friend did one of those things you might not trust them as much. Now imagine that your parents are a little more "conservative" than you would like them to be or your brother or sister likes "weird" music or your cousins are "homeschooled". Those are all things that you may not want your life to be like, or maybe they are things that bother you; but you accept them because they are family. 

I have a really hard time getting close to people that are not exactly like me or who don't believe and act the same way that I do. In a relationship, I always get scared because I'm afraid the other person won't do things the same way I have grown up doing things. This has always bothered me but I have never known what to do about this struggle I have. I never knew what to do until this year, where I had to spend ten months loving and accepting someone into the family who was very different from me. I had to learn that different was ok, in fact, different could be great! It was all in my way of thinking. So I have learned that when it come to a marriage, a relationship, or even a close friendship that, if it is worth saving, then don't throw it away just because you get scared that the other person does things differently than you. No one will do or handle things exactly like you. That is the beauty of God's creation: everyone is different and it is our blessing that we get to have the types of relationships where we get to learn about different kinds of people. 

I just love how God always has a way of teaching us things. Even if we do have to make the mistakes and learn the hard way before he teaches us the right way. But, all in His timing. I'm glad He does teach is things though, that way we get the chance to go back and maybe try to mend some of the things we messed up. Thank you God for teaching me things in your time. Now I know that I can trust you to help me through my struggles and weaknesses. 

I hope everyone is having a beautiful Tuesday!

The things taught to me by Les Miserables...yes this probably makes me a super nerd.

I will preface this blog by apologizing to all those reading this who could care less about literature and the effect it has on my life. I, for one, find reading inspirational and life changing, for those of you who would rather just see the movie or read the Cliff Notes...well I'm sorry.

"Life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment, poverty, are the fields of battle which have their heroes; obscure heroes, who are, sometimes, grander than the heroes who win renown". This beautifully worded sentence, in my humble opinion, sums up the masterpiece of Les Miserables (or at least all of it that I have read so far). Every character in the book (the movie is slightly deceiving) deals with every one of the obstacles in this sentence.  I find myself relating greatly to the character of Marius Pontmercy (the Marius from the book, not so much the movie). I am reading about him right now and I have found these similarities: he is passionate about what he believes, loyal to his friends, and he loves deeper and differently than what is culturally acceptable. I like comparing myself to characters in a book because, A. it helps me stay focused on the reading and, B. it makes me feel that I am not spending so much time reading for nothing. Before I go into how Marius and myself are alike, I will try to explain the excerpt from the book and how it fits Marius and indirectly...me.

Life. Misfortune. Isolation. Abandonment. Poverty.  If you will let yourself admit it, you have probably experienced one or all of these things. The "heroes" of these battlefields are the little but humongous (for lack of a better word) lessons that they teach us and the people that they turn us in to.  The heroes that "stand the test of time" and make it into all the books are good, don't get me wrong, but they are not GRAND. The people who experience the above terms and come out better people turn into heroes. Wisdom. Wisdom is the difference between "obscure, grand heroes" and "heroes who win renown". Marius, who was born into renown, wealth, and power, gave it all up because of a passion he had. He became a hero because of the fight he had to fight.

Marius is passionate about what he believes in. Marius leaves everything that was comfortable with to become a part of the French Revolution. It was what he truly believed was right. He gave it his all and made it his world. He didn't always have support, and he didn't always have society on his side, but yet he still gave it his all. I find myself experiencing this same kind of passion. I have a passion for missions and a passion for Honduras. So I cannot lie and say that it will not forever be a huge part of my life because I want to give it my all.

Marius is loyal to his friends. When he leaves his family, Marius has nothing. He has been raised in bitterness so it is hard at first for him to open himself up to people.  When he finds a group of young men who share his passion for the revolution he becomes very loyal. He doesn't become very close to many people, but when he is finally able to open himself up, he won't leave their side. I too, share his struggle with opening up to just anyone. It is a struggle for me to be "raw" with people, but once I find those friends, I will do whatever it takes to always be there for them.

Marius loves deeper and differently than what is culturally acceptable.  Marius was pretty well known throughout his group of friends as the one who would never fall in love. He was focused and he knew what he wanted. When he saw Cosette in the park (ignore the part of this that sounds a bit stalker-ish and just go with it), he knew. His passion and his loyalty played a part in his experiencing love. I find myself relating to him in this way. Culture is not always willing to accept those people who know what they want and don't want to experiment much.  This kind of love does not necessarily have to be romantic love.  The love I have for people is such a deep love that comes from love of my God. I don't always do the right things or make the right decisions, but all of the decisions I make come from love and come from my yearning to follow God.

 All of these things, I pray will help make me a hero to someone.  I want to live a life that people see as inspirational. I apologize to the people so close to my heart whom I have let down and disappointed. Just know that I am still going through "life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment and poverty" and I haven't left the battlefield, I am still learning.

I will probably write a few more blogs about my experience reading Les Mis. This book is literally packed full of fascinating ideas and true life that is so easy to relate too. So, if you have the patience to read through 980 pages of intense literature, please do! I have learned so much reading this book. Ok, that's it for now!