How Do YOU Define Yourself?

*The main focus of this post is in the last three paragraphs. The first three are just a walkthrough of how I “caught” this vision. They are mostly my own struggles and what I have learned about myself. I AM NOT suggesting that you feel the same way I do about the opening statements.

I just happened to read GoTandem today (an app that gives me daily spiritual thoughts to think about) and the content was from Romans 5:16. It said: “Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God”. Then it went to explain why this message is relevant to some people. It then said, “This piece relates to growing in knowledge, faithfulness, and peace. People who struggle with self-forgiveness, growing spiritually, and fear have found this content encouraging”.

This completely took all the fear out of me that something was wrong with me. All my life I have felt, in some way, “less spiritual” than people who live like this and hold to this so strongly. This message was always something that I agreed with and felt was truth in every way, but, for some reason, it never inspired me like it did others. This made me feel like something was wrong, like I had some kind of inherent “evil” in me trying to keep me from being inspired by truth. But the last part of the GoTandem message revealed to me that people just struggle with different things and it is okay for them to find their own way of inspiring spirituality. I have never struggled with holding on to guilt or condemnation…ever. The longest I hold something against myself is maybe a few days and then I am ready to overcome it. I have never felt “not good enough for God” and I have never been “afraid of not doing the right things to get to Heaven”. I have always had a peace about where I was at and to whom I belonged. My struggles aren’t so much spiritually as they are physically and emotionally. I worry a lot about taking care of my life here, I worry about other people and I COMPARE myself to other people. I let what other people say about me define me. In doing this, I analyze everything and everyone. Not always from a negative standpoint, but more often I analyze out of a want and need to help.

I do struggle. Every day I struggle. And now realize that IT IS OKAY that I don’t have to listen to the same message about grace for me to feel spiritually awake and inspired. Don’t get me wrong, grace and the Kingdom on earth is the truth; the way I feel spiritually awake and inspired is by letting myself be me, which is often easier said than done. When I create something, write something, use the imagination that has been gifted to me by the Holy Spirit, I feel awake. I know that I am loved and chosen, but if I am not doing something to show that or use the gifts I have been given, a little piece of me starts to die inside and I get “stuck” spiritually.

I am learning a lot about people these days and I am learning a lot about confidence. This is all thanks to my wonderful and patient fiancé. He is teaching me SO MUCH and I love him for that. I know that everyone has different gifts and everyone is good at different things, but I think confidence comes when we start really using what we are good at and enjoy life again. It is OKAY to have fun and to create and imagine. I think the real harm comes when we start to let others define what is fun to us, or when we let others tell us what we are good or bad at. For example…you know those friends and family members who mean well but they can’t let go of something embarrassing or stupid you may have done in the past? So when you were in middle school (going through puberty) and you ALWAYS wanted to be in a play and you go to the audition and your voice cracks half way through the song and you are completely mortified. There will always be that one friend or family member who cannot let that go for whatever reason. Maybe you encourage their stabs by laughing along with them instead of standing up for yourself and now…15/20 years later you think you can’t sing. Or maybe you were studying for a test in high school and you felt really prepared (after all this was your favorite subject) and you ended up with a very low grade. Maybe your parents told you, “it’s okay, you just aren’t a good test taker”, and for the rest of your life you believed that about yourself and never expected to do good on another test for the rest of your life.

Whatever your story may be, we have GOT to encourage each other to be ourselves. We cannot tell people what they are good or bad at because chances are, they might just believe that for the rest of their lives and never TRY. I learned something about myself today that I have let others tell me or suggest to me differently all my life. I have been defined by comparing myself to what other people say I should be or how I should be spiritually instead of listening to the Holy Spirit and letting Him define who I am. I am a doer, a dreamer, a creator, a writer, a deep thinker and a visionary. But I always thought these things were a “distraction” from what I am spiritually when really…they are the exact opposite of that. Those things make me who I am spiritually; they are who I was created to be on this earth in my human body. I am a daughter of the KING, and while I am on this earth, He has given me a personality and gifts and He wants me to be me. And He wants you to be you. Don’t hide behind what you hear others saying. In fact, forget anything negative anyone has EVER said to you because it is a lie and Satan will use it to distract you from being you.

So forget that your voice cracked once in middle school, or that you made a bad grade on a test, or that a close family member or friend has told you that you are just not good at [fill in the blank]. If you like to sing…sing! If you like to learn, but have always been told that you just don’t meet the mark…take a class where you don’t get graded! If there is anything in your life that has kept your from doing what you love because you didn’t feel “good enough” speak against those lies in Jesus’ name. Say it out loud. Ask for someone close to you to speak those words out loud. It’s amazing how Satan can no longer attack us when we speak against him in the name of our brother Jesus. So whenever you are comparing yourself to someone else, speak against the lie, whenever you are listening to what someone else is saying negatively saying about you (whether they mean well or not), speak against the lie. Stand up for yourself and let’s start standing up for our other brothers and sisters! There are so many people out there hurting because of what they are believing. Let’s encourage each person we are close to, to embark on a spiritual journey to “re-discover” who we are (Sons and Daughters) and to “re-discover” the personalities and gifts we have been given to enjoy our time on earth.

Sorry this was so long, but what else am I supposed to do when I am laying on the couch ALL day long. Prayers for a speedy recovery would be appreciated. Thanks! God bless each of you in Jesus Name J

In Our Brokenness

In our brokenness...

We learn the most about ourselves.
You are always told that it is during the hard times that you become a better person. But many times, by the time we have made it through the hard times we forget to remember and look for what it is we have learned. I was recently advised to make a list of a self evaluation questions that I can periodically ask myself to keep reminding myself to learn and live with a purpose. I tend to hide from the world when I am struggling but I am learning that it is because I don't know where to begin evaluating myself. So when I am doubting, struggling with jealousy or regret, I can ask myself these questions and learn more about myself instead of beating myself up.

We take it out on the people we care for most.
We all do it. You have a bad day at work or stub your toe getting out of bed and your first reaction is to blame everyone else. What I am learning is that blaming others only pushes you further away. When I feel that I am losing control or maybe don't want to be open with someone I tend to just distance myself. Well, trust me, it doesn't work. But what I have learned is to value the people you care for the most. Always be willing to be open with them and work through conflict.

We remember God's unfailing love for us.
This is the biggest one for me.  Everyday I am more and more overwhelmed at how God takes care of us and makes his plan clear to us. He continues to open doors for me to get back to jovenes, he shows me everyday that there is a bigger picture. When the world is telling me "you need to get married, go to graduate school, buy a house" I can remember that God loves me and he is taking care of my future. God's love keeps me from being suffocated by the world.

But finally, In our brokenness, God gives us peace. How exciting it is to know that we are not in control...the creator of our universe is!

What I Have Learned About Myself In One Year

It is amazing to me how no matter how much you grow and learn, there is always something else to learn about yourself. One of the things that I have always struggled with is being opinionated and thinking that my way is the right way. I guess you could say that I wasn't always the most agreeable person (but everyone has their moments right?). We recently had a foreign exchange student come live with our family for ten months. Our goal for the ten months that he was with us was to make him a part of our family. We wanted him to feel accepted and feel like we were his family.

From this, I learned how a family really works and how a marriage relationship should work. It may seem kind of silly to compare a foreign exchange program with a marriage (especially since I'm not married), but I really learned a lot from the experience. And once again, I learned some of the weaknesses that I struggle with. Being in a relationship or creating and adding to a family takes a lot of self sacrifice...a lot more than I thought. I kind of took the relationship I had with my family for granted because, of course I am going I love them unconditionally, they are my family. And then it dawned upon me, if I am in a serious relationship, or wanting to adopt a child, or foster a child, or even have a foreign exchange student, then I am going to have to learn how to see those people like I see my family.

It's harder than you think. Imagine having a brother or sister that wrecks your car, breaks your phone or loses your favorite book. At first you would probably be so   mad, maybe even more mad than you would be at your friends, but you would still love them and you would still accept them. Whereas, if a friend did one of those things you might not trust them as much. Now imagine that your parents are a little more "conservative" than you would like them to be or your brother or sister likes "weird" music or your cousins are "homeschooled". Those are all things that you may not want your life to be like, or maybe they are things that bother you; but you accept them because they are family. 

I have a really hard time getting close to people that are not exactly like me or who don't believe and act the same way that I do. In a relationship, I always get scared because I'm afraid the other person won't do things the same way I have grown up doing things. This has always bothered me but I have never known what to do about this struggle I have. I never knew what to do until this year, where I had to spend ten months loving and accepting someone into the family who was very different from me. I had to learn that different was ok, in fact, different could be great! It was all in my way of thinking. So I have learned that when it come to a marriage, a relationship, or even a close friendship that, if it is worth saving, then don't throw it away just because you get scared that the other person does things differently than you. No one will do or handle things exactly like you. That is the beauty of God's creation: everyone is different and it is our blessing that we get to have the types of relationships where we get to learn about different kinds of people. 

I just love how God always has a way of teaching us things. Even if we do have to make the mistakes and learn the hard way before he teaches us the right way. But, all in His timing. I'm glad He does teach is things though, that way we get the chance to go back and maybe try to mend some of the things we messed up. Thank you God for teaching me things in your time. Now I know that I can trust you to help me through my struggles and weaknesses. 

I hope everyone is having a beautiful Tuesday!

The things taught to me by Les Miserables...yes this probably makes me a super nerd.

I will preface this blog by apologizing to all those reading this who could care less about literature and the effect it has on my life. I, for one, find reading inspirational and life changing, for those of you who would rather just see the movie or read the Cliff Notes...well I'm sorry.

"Life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment, poverty, are the fields of battle which have their heroes; obscure heroes, who are, sometimes, grander than the heroes who win renown". This beautifully worded sentence, in my humble opinion, sums up the masterpiece of Les Miserables (or at least all of it that I have read so far). Every character in the book (the movie is slightly deceiving) deals with every one of the obstacles in this sentence.  I find myself relating greatly to the character of Marius Pontmercy (the Marius from the book, not so much the movie). I am reading about him right now and I have found these similarities: he is passionate about what he believes, loyal to his friends, and he loves deeper and differently than what is culturally acceptable. I like comparing myself to characters in a book because, A. it helps me stay focused on the reading and, B. it makes me feel that I am not spending so much time reading for nothing. Before I go into how Marius and myself are alike, I will try to explain the excerpt from the book and how it fits Marius and indirectly...me.

Life. Misfortune. Isolation. Abandonment. Poverty.  If you will let yourself admit it, you have probably experienced one or all of these things. The "heroes" of these battlefields are the little but humongous (for lack of a better word) lessons that they teach us and the people that they turn us in to.  The heroes that "stand the test of time" and make it into all the books are good, don't get me wrong, but they are not GRAND. The people who experience the above terms and come out better people turn into heroes. Wisdom. Wisdom is the difference between "obscure, grand heroes" and "heroes who win renown". Marius, who was born into renown, wealth, and power, gave it all up because of a passion he had. He became a hero because of the fight he had to fight.

Marius is passionate about what he believes in. Marius leaves everything that was comfortable with to become a part of the French Revolution. It was what he truly believed was right. He gave it his all and made it his world. He didn't always have support, and he didn't always have society on his side, but yet he still gave it his all. I find myself experiencing this same kind of passion. I have a passion for missions and a passion for Honduras. So I cannot lie and say that it will not forever be a huge part of my life because I want to give it my all.

Marius is loyal to his friends. When he leaves his family, Marius has nothing. He has been raised in bitterness so it is hard at first for him to open himself up to people.  When he finds a group of young men who share his passion for the revolution he becomes very loyal. He doesn't become very close to many people, but when he is finally able to open himself up, he won't leave their side. I too, share his struggle with opening up to just anyone. It is a struggle for me to be "raw" with people, but once I find those friends, I will do whatever it takes to always be there for them.

Marius loves deeper and differently than what is culturally acceptable.  Marius was pretty well known throughout his group of friends as the one who would never fall in love. He was focused and he knew what he wanted. When he saw Cosette in the park (ignore the part of this that sounds a bit stalker-ish and just go with it), he knew. His passion and his loyalty played a part in his experiencing love. I find myself relating to him in this way. Culture is not always willing to accept those people who know what they want and don't want to experiment much.  This kind of love does not necessarily have to be romantic love.  The love I have for people is such a deep love that comes from love of my God. I don't always do the right things or make the right decisions, but all of the decisions I make come from love and come from my yearning to follow God.

 All of these things, I pray will help make me a hero to someone.  I want to live a life that people see as inspirational. I apologize to the people so close to my heart whom I have let down and disappointed. Just know that I am still going through "life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment and poverty" and I haven't left the battlefield, I am still learning.

I will probably write a few more blogs about my experience reading Les Mis. This book is literally packed full of fascinating ideas and true life that is so easy to relate too. So, if you have the patience to read through 980 pages of intense literature, please do! I have learned so much reading this book. Ok, that's it for now!

A Very Merry Christmas to You All

It has been a truly wonderful Christmas. I have also had a lot to think about this year. It seems that every year that I get older, I experience Christmas differently. A lot has happened this year. I have learned a lot and grown a lot, but I have also lost a lot and messed up a lot. I guess that's part of life. But as I sat in the living room looking at all of the faces that raised me and influenced me, I realized that my life is a journey; or better yet, it is a book. Life holds many chapters. Some good, some sad, some climactic. As Christians, we know the end of our story, but it is the pages and chapters in between that lead us to that end. This last year has been quite the "nail biting", "teeth chattering", "sit on the edge of your seat" kind of chapter. As this year gets closer to ending I pray that I continue to write my story in a way that glorifies my Savior. This Christmas I have watched my family stay strong and be able to enjoy a Christmas without the loving presence of my wonderful cousin, Isaac, I have watched my family laugh and play together, and it has taught me to value the time I have.

I am very happy and at peace. Although I am anxious to see the next chapter in my book, and I hope I know who and what will be in it, I am at peace because I know my family is there, and I know God is the one really writing my story.

Merry Christmas to you all. And thank you all for being in my life "book"!

Four Stages

I think there are four stages of regret. The first, apathy: trying to ignore any negative feelings you may have. This could last any where from two to six weeks. Apathy temporarily let's you 'live' your life without feeling; without worrying. But suppressing feelings can only last so long. The second stage is guilt. This guilt slowly creeps up on you while you are 'trying' to be apathetic. Eventually you cannot ignore your feelings anymore. Along with guilt comes desperately tying to find ways to make yourself feel better. Many times, this results in living in the past and wishing you had done or said something differently. The third stage is frustration. During this stage you have almost exhausted all of your attempts to make things better. You have apologized and you have felt remorse and there seems to be nothing left to do. This is frustrating. And this is exhausting. So the fourth stage is forgiveness. There eventually becomes a moment when you realize there is nothing more to be done but rely completely and utterly on God. And during this stage you are finally able to forgive yourself. This does not mean that others have forgiven you. You cannot change the past but you can change the future. So there is no point in dwelling on what you did or did not do, but rather dwell on what you can do today and tomorrow that will make things right. It is also imperative to remember that God is on your side. So at any point, I you feel you are stuck in one of these four stages, talk to God. He always makes me feel better.

Patience...A Virtue?

Well I have learned this week that I am not as patient as I thought I was or thought I could be. Patience is something that is hard to explain. Is patience the actual act of waiting without worrying or is it the feeling of peace you get when you know God is in control or is it pretending like you are not worried but on the inside you are swarmed with anticipation? If I could pick one of those three things to describe me it would unfortunately be the last one. I frustrate myself so much when I tell people I am a patient person. Truth is, I think God is constantly trying to teach me this virtue. About a week ago I prayed that God would give me patience that He would teach me to be content with His timing. Well I forget that God likes to teach and give through experiences, because I cannot be patient or learn patience without having first been put in a situation where I must be patient. God knows what He is doing and I know I will be a better person for it one day. After all, patience is a virtue.