A Very Merry Christmas to You All

It has been a truly wonderful Christmas. I have also had a lot to think about this year. It seems that every year that I get older, I experience Christmas differently. A lot has happened this year. I have learned a lot and grown a lot, but I have also lost a lot and messed up a lot. I guess that's part of life. But as I sat in the living room looking at all of the faces that raised me and influenced me, I realized that my life is a journey; or better yet, it is a book. Life holds many chapters. Some good, some sad, some climactic. As Christians, we know the end of our story, but it is the pages and chapters in between that lead us to that end. This last year has been quite the "nail biting", "teeth chattering", "sit on the edge of your seat" kind of chapter. As this year gets closer to ending I pray that I continue to write my story in a way that glorifies my Savior. This Christmas I have watched my family stay strong and be able to enjoy a Christmas without the loving presence of my wonderful cousin, Isaac, I have watched my family laugh and play together, and it has taught me to value the time I have.

I am very happy and at peace. Although I am anxious to see the next chapter in my book, and I hope I know who and what will be in it, I am at peace because I know my family is there, and I know God is the one really writing my story.

Merry Christmas to you all. And thank you all for being in my life "book"!

Four Stages

I think there are four stages of regret. The first, apathy: trying to ignore any negative feelings you may have. This could last any where from two to six weeks. Apathy temporarily let's you 'live' your life without feeling; without worrying. But suppressing feelings can only last so long. The second stage is guilt. This guilt slowly creeps up on you while you are 'trying' to be apathetic. Eventually you cannot ignore your feelings anymore. Along with guilt comes desperately tying to find ways to make yourself feel better. Many times, this results in living in the past and wishing you had done or said something differently. The third stage is frustration. During this stage you have almost exhausted all of your attempts to make things better. You have apologized and you have felt remorse and there seems to be nothing left to do. This is frustrating. And this is exhausting. So the fourth stage is forgiveness. There eventually becomes a moment when you realize there is nothing more to be done but rely completely and utterly on God. And during this stage you are finally able to forgive yourself. This does not mean that others have forgiven you. You cannot change the past but you can change the future. So there is no point in dwelling on what you did or did not do, but rather dwell on what you can do today and tomorrow that will make things right. It is also imperative to remember that God is on your side. So at any point, I you feel you are stuck in one of these four stages, talk to God. He always makes me feel better.

Patience...A Virtue?

Well I have learned this week that I am not as patient as I thought I was or thought I could be. Patience is something that is hard to explain. Is patience the actual act of waiting without worrying or is it the feeling of peace you get when you know God is in control or is it pretending like you are not worried but on the inside you are swarmed with anticipation? If I could pick one of those three things to describe me it would unfortunately be the last one. I frustrate myself so much when I tell people I am a patient person. Truth is, I think God is constantly trying to teach me this virtue. About a week ago I prayed that God would give me patience that He would teach me to be content with His timing. Well I forget that God likes to teach and give through experiences, because I cannot be patient or learn patience without having first been put in a situation where I must be patient. God knows what He is doing and I know I will be a better person for it one day. After all, patience is a virtue.

Waiting...

It is time to wait,
Wait,
Wait,
What is that? Is it truth?
Is it sadness? Is it the end?

When regret takes over,
and time stands still,
is the road a dead end?
Can a sorry heart heal a mistake?

One day. One day when all is made well,
And only light prevails, the questions will be answered.
The truth will be told.
The sadness will really be happiness.
The roads will be made clear.
And all will be well.

But wait.
For now...just wait.

Three Words

It is amazing how three simple words put in the correct order can capture a mind and a heart.  They can change a life.  But is it really possible for two people to say those words and really mean them? Is it really possible for two people to mean the same thing?  Life has taught me that there are certain things worth holding on to.  There are difficult moments in life but at the end of the day all I want is to hear those three words.  All I want is to know that everything will be okay.  But everything will not always be okay.  Life is full of darkness and pain but there are also moments in life that are beautiful and full of light and happiness.  So when I think of those three simple words, that is what I think of. I think of pain, darkness and sadness; but at the end of the day I am thinking of the beautiful light and joy that I can share with the people around me.  Life will not always feel right. Life will not always make things easy or straightforward.  But if you told tight to those three simple words and the people you wish to share them with, then at the end of the day you can find comfort in hearing, "I Love You".  And you can rest assured those words will last forever.

Just a Little Venting

Well this one won't be very long I just need somewhere to write. Life the past couple months have been difficult. I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do with my life. Mission work is pretty clear in my mind, I just don't know how to start or how, even, to tell people "hey I think I want to be a missionary for awhile"; that's just not how our culture works or thinks. So I think I know what path I want to take, but this waiting to figure out how is really getting me down. I have a job and I am so thankful for it. I feel like my life right now is work, sleep, and think and dream about my life in Honduras. I go to bed early, wake up early and study Spanish. Pretty lame, I know. It's hard. It tiring. And I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I'm in a different stage of my life and I feel like I'm going through it alone. Everyone I know is either in school or beginning their life here. But I feel that I have unfinished business in Honduras. God has made His voice pretty clear, I just don't know where to start. Prayers would be very appreciated and any advice would be greatly welcomed. Sorry for being so down, it's just been building up. But I am so thankful for my life, I am just needing some support right now!

My College Journey

I would like to take just a minute to talk about the last four years of my life. I am just slightly emotional right now so I thought "why not do some reminiscing?". My years at Lipscomb have been some of my best and some of my worst. I will never forget the way I felt hearing the Bell Tower ring on my way to class, the squirrels that think the own the campus, LU Friday kids, sodexho, etc. There are so many people I am thankful for, some I am no longer close to, some I have continued to grow closer to. Regardless of how close my relationships are with these people now, I am so glad they have been a part of my life. Lipscomb has helped me learn some really important lessons. Most of all, I think I have learned about myself. Sure, there are things I regret and there are times I wish I had made different decisions and then maybe things would be different today. But the fact of the matter is, I wouldn't change one minute of the last four years. Without the ups and the downs, I would not have many of the things I have today. I have a peace today that I know only came from the many struggles I faced over the years. I now understand responsibility and what it means to be a student and a hard worker.

My Freshman year I learned about friendship and I learned the importance of having a good time.  School is important but so is having good friends.  I learned so much from my friends Freshman year and I became heavily involved in many social activities including the spring musical, Delta Omega and Singarama. I had turned into a social butterfly!

As much as I may hate to admit it now the 'socializing' continued into Sophomore year when it should have just stopped at one year.  I thought I could continue doing all my busy activities, take harder classes and do well in school. Sophomore year was my 'valley' to use the mountain journey reference.  Yes, I had fun and continued to meet a lot of really great people, but I had yet to learn the lesson most people have to eventually learn...responsibility.  I was pretty irresponsible.  I wanted to be treated like an adult but I was not acting like one. So...by the end of Sophomore year I learned that being an adult did not mean neglecting my studies and being in plays and social clubs, it meant doing my homework and being able to do things I did not necessarily like with the knowledge that I will be a better person because of it.

And so began Junior year. I like to call this my year of sickness. Yes, my first semester of my Junior year, I had the unfortunate pleasure to experience all the misery of mono. During this time my family was moving houses so we were moving into my grandmother's house.  I experienced some of the most trying times of my life this year. This was also the year I changed my major to English.  This year, I learned how important it is to be happy with the thing you are planning to do the rest of your life. I love to write, I am happiest when I am writing. So this year, I also fell in love with school.  I finally got to experience the joy of loving to learn and I actually enjoyed school. So Junior year, I declined physically because of my health but I grew in responsibility as I learned that school isn't all that bad.

Senior year I tried to make a balance between my Freshman and Junior year.  I tried to balance social life with the love for learning and the responsibility I learned during Sophomore and Junior years.  And what a relief this year was. I had a blast! I continued to love school and love my classes and teachers, but I also tried to work on and fix some old friendships. God has been so good to me this year teaching me that being responsible and being an adult isn't as awful as I thought it was. I am actually starting to think that it is more fun and rewarding this way.

So, this has been a really long post and I promise I am almost done.  I am still scared to leave the comfort of college and school. I love learning and if I could stay in college forever just taking some of my favorite English classes, I might. But I also know that college has prepared me for the real world. I am now much more responsible than Freshman year (even though I thought I had it all figured out back then...I was wrong!). So I am excited to see what God has in store for the next phase of my life.  Because I know that he has been working on me the past four years.

And this has been college wisdom 101 with Hannah, thank you for reading! Graduation...2 days!!

God Bless!

Precious Memories

What is the correct way to process the death of a young person?  This weekend is one that I never thought I would have to experience.  Early yesterday morning, around 2:30, my cousin Isaac Gastineau went to Heaven to forever be with Jesus.  I like to think of myself as a smart person but it is during times like these that I fear what I don't know and what I can't explain. I fear exactly what Isaac was brave enough and lucky enough to push through. Isaac has taught me many things that I believe was part of God's plan for his life.  The past few months and especially the past few days, I have learned things that I think only Isaac's experience could have taught me.  Isaac taught me the value of a life.  As us cousins grew older and our lives got busier, it was not uncommon for us to only see each other but once, maybe twice a year.  But I realize now how special those times were.  Isaac brought a certain joy into my life that no other soul could fill.  He was never scared, or at least never let on to be.  Isaac taught me how important family is.  The past few days have been filled with emotions and sadness, but they have also been filled with family.  Isaac brought us together.  It is Isaac's memory that keeps us smiling and keeps us rejoicing.  So is it wrong to be sad and filled with questions directed at God's intentions?  I don't think so.  But should we let that sadness and those questions fill our hearts and minds?  Isaac's life has answered that question for me. No.  The precious memories I have of Isaac will be impossible for me to forget or hide away.  Now, it is time for myself and every other person that Issac's life has touched to store those memories away in the mind's scrapbook. It is time for us to remember the good times and the bad.  Memory is one of our greatest gifts as humans. This is another trait that sets us a part from the rest of God's creation.  God reminds us everyday that nothing is permanent. So it is with thanksgiving and gratitude that I will cherish my ability to remember.  And I will remember Isaac. And I will remember the joy he carried around with him every day of his life.  I will remember all the funny stories and the sad stories.  Because I think that is what Isaac would want.  He would want us to remember him; to remember him with smiles on our faces.  So from today on, I will fill up the empty jar Isaac left behind with the memories he would want me to carry into the future.  I will remember.

Isaiah 57:1

How do you explain tragedy? How do you make sense of something that makes no sense? We go through life everyday wondering what we will wear, what job we will get when we graduate and how we will survive finals. It is during the most tragic times in life that we finally realize how selfish we are. Life is precious. But what makes life important. It is not how much money we make or how many awards we win or how skinny we are. Life is about the people you meet and the relationships you build; because that is what you remember when a life is taken away. I can't explain death and I can't say that I do not get angry with God when a life is taken, but I do know that God always has a reason for every life that is taken. Isaiah writes in chapter 57 verse 1, "Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come". One thing I do know for a fact is that God sometimes takes people to Heaven to protect them from this earth. So although I cannot explain tragedy and I cannot make sense out of a young life being taken from this earth, I can rest at peace that perhaps God has a better plan in mind. After all, Heaven is a much happier place than earth.

Two, To and Too

Well, today marks the official two more weeks of school! It's hard to believe and it still hasn't completely sunk in (even though I have received an official 'graduates only' invitation to breakfast with the President (oh yeah!). Change is quickly approaching but I am beginning to understand that it is possible that I cannot actually control everything. My family always told me I was a control freak but I never believed them...I think they may have been right. But living through the ups and downs of college has made me realize that I can't control everything and that that is actually okay, believe it or not! Everything changes; sometimes things change for the good and sometimes they change for the worse. But whether the change is good or bad, there is always something to be learned. So that is pretty much where I stand as of today. My life is an emotional roller coaster at the moment so tomorrow might bring on an entirely new and different attitude.

If you are following my other blog hopeatjovenes.blogspot.com, then you already know that in less than two months I will be on a plane to El Zamorano, Honduras where the Jovenes en Camino is located. My best friend LauraBeth is going with me and we are going to spend 2 1/2 months ministering to the boys at Jovenes and becoming an intricate part of their lives. Just preparing for this journey has got me thinking about where I want to go with my future. I would love to do a lot of writing while I am there. One thing that I am increasingly becoming more and more passionate about is writing a collection of poetry about my time in Honduras and working to get it published. I haven't always been a poet, but thanks to Lipscomb university and their wonderful English program I have been introduced to a subject (poetry) that I think I am pretty good at and would like to pursue.

The final thing that I feel the need to write about is my new puppy, Belle who is just too cute! We got her two days ago and she is only 7 weeks old. She is the tiniest little thing and she will only grow to about 5 or 6 pounds. Belle is a Maltese and is already spoiled rotten. So Benji has a new sister, he would have loved her, I just know it!

Well that's all for now!

God Bless

Race of Life

Race of Life

Time is a precious gift

That seems to guide us through

Dark holes in our lives

Whizzing

Racing

Speeding through

Like the adrenaline rush we fear

Time can be malicious and ugly

And without it we would be lost

Time can be gentle and precious

Do not fear the past or the future

Live for the beautiful memories of today

Do not fear the past or the future

Time can be gentle and precious

And without it we would be lost

Time can be malicious and ugly

Like the adrenaline rush we fear

                                                Whizzing

                                   Racing               

                Speeding through

Dark holes in our lives

That seems to guide us through

Time is a precious gift

Because They Haven't Heard

Because They Haven’t Heard

Dedicated to the thousands of children living on the streets of Honduras.

“And who knows but that you have come into the kingdom for such a time as this”

Blink. She opens her eyes, despite the pain behind her eyelids.

           

            “RING! HONK! BEEP!”

These are the first sounds her fragile ears hear. Fear creeps in

            and she stifles back a tear from falling.

Where will her next meal come from?

Who will be the next person to smile at her?

She uncurls her cold, tired body from the small box she was fortunate to

            find the night before.

            “SWOOSH!”. A car goes flying by. This is her world. This is her home.

Not a friendly face in the world. The world is the enemy

and fear is the only companion she knows.

            Her name is Alexandria, but she doesn’t know that. She is

“that girl” or “that kid”.

            Alexandria is 7, but she knows nothing of a birthday or

of growing older.

She knows nothing of love, nothing of joy, nothing of peace.

She knows nothing of the security of family.

Her body is aching from a disease she has no knowledge of.

“Water” she says out loud as she makes her way down the street (wearing no shoes).

                        She hears a strange sound; it is a woman laughing but

she doesn’t know what laughter is.

            “RING! HONK! BEEP!”

It’s how she begins her day.

What will be different about today?

Is That You God?

So as Christians we all know that prayer is our way of communicating with God today.  Lately I have really been making a conscious effort to make prayer an important part of my day. As most of you know, graduation is coming up, which leaves me in a pretty sticky place. I must decide what I am going to do for the rest of my life. That seems like a pretty big decision to dump on a 21 year old. But one thing I do know, I want to write. I love writing. I can find no better way to express myself than to write it down. There is a reason why I have tons of journals dating all the way back to 1998. The past few weeks I have been asking God, how can I combine my love for writing, my love for missions and my love for you? Well this past week I think He may be answering my question. It is now looking like Laura and I will be able to go to Honduras for the summer. A couple weeks ago we had decided that since we had not heard back from anyone that we should probably start looking for backup plans for the summer. Last week we got an email and went and met with the man who is in charge of getting all the interns for Jovenes. He basically told us that he probably still needed us and that he was going to meet with the board this week and let us know very soon.  Well I had already started adjusting to the idea that I would probably try to get a job at HCA where I really don't care to work for the rest of my life. I told Emily McCarthy about my predicament and how I wanted to go to Honduras but I also wanted to continue to pursue my writing career. She gave me the idea of writing down my experiences in Honduras and forming it into an article for this Christian magazine called Think. This idea absolutely thrilled me! Not only would I be able to go to Honduras and spend time spreading the gospel through mission work, but I could also write about it and possibly get myself started in some sort of partnership with a magazine. So I just sent my proposal letter to the editor of the magazine and hopefully I will hear back from him soon.

I am still praying about his decision but something is telling me that God might just want me to do this. But I know that whatever happens, it is God's will.

God Bless!
Hannah

Imagine It.

Imagine It.

Pause. Imagine it.

The bittersweet smell of grass lingers in the air

the sun so far away

Stares powerfully back down.

A young girl giggles as

she drags her fingers through the dirt.

Simplicity. Remember it.

The rich, bold scent of coffee brewing.

The cool breeze under the

illuminating moonlight.

The girl laughs as she

experiences love for the first time.

Happiness. Find it.

The soft and fresh smell of a newborn.

The rush of joy fed

by a rainbow in the sky.

The girl smiles as her child softly

squeezes her hand.

Peace. Want it.

The smells are growing fainter.

The sky is growing dimmer.

And the sounds are growing softer,

but the girl sighs as she remembers

a life fully lived.

Imagine it.

Remember it.

Find it.

Want it.

A life well lived.

Paranoid

This poem was inspired after a late night at the neighbor's house watching the Vampire Diaries. After walking home in the dark this is what I wrote:

Paranoid

What's that sound?
Should I slowly sneak a peak?
Quick turn around!
...no that was nothing.
Just a bird,
Or a squirrel,
Or maybe a deer.
The path is fading,
As memories turn to fears.
Should I stop?
No, there is something back there.
Keep moving...
You're safe.
But it is getting dark...
And cold.
What's that?
There it is!
I see the light
Just a few steps further...
That wasn't so bad.
Next time I'll bring someone along.
                                                                                    ...Or maybe I am just paranoid

Written in Stone

"Written in Stone

the mouth of Fate once uttered,
"finality is never set in stone
until a stone can be made unbroken."
the wisdom behind these worthy words
turns happiness to sadness -
sadness to happiness.
in the lingering stretch of time
Destiny and Purpose will outlive
the old and worn out soles
of the stories I write in stone.
even Fate fathoms
the uncertainty of stone.
Fate is tied to a stone; Purpose is tied to a life.

Unveiled

Trying my hand at some poetry.

"Unveiled"

I feel like crying,
Crying.
The time is moving quickly
But I cannot always feel
The strength I know I have.
The moment is quickly fading,
Fading.
Underneath the burden I feel
A flicker of the hope I once knew.
And I smile through the tears
That once blinded my vision.

Blessings

Have you ever had a song that almost described perfectly the way you were feeling at the moment? That is how this song was for me.  The past few nights I have had trouble sleeping because I am afraid and worried. I am afraid that I am not good enough and I am worried that I will get stuck in this negative way of thinking.  It is hard to recognize the good that can come from the bad when you are right in the middle of the bad.  The funny thing is, my life is great. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and a wonderful boyfriend, all whom I love very much.  But it's like Satan knows those things are my strength, so he attacks my weakness...my thoughts. And he turns them all negative.  This song has been so encouraging because it reminds me that struggling through my final semester of college and struggling with finances may just be the answer to my prayers. Scary thought, but comforting at the same time. Here are the lyrics!

"Blessings" Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Final Semester Schedule

Well here it is, the moment we have all been waiting for...my final semester schedule!

MWF
12:00 - Spanish II
1:00 - American Literature II
2:00 - Fitness Yoga

TR
9:25 - History of the English Language
10:55 - Chapel
11:55 - Creative Writing: Poetry
6:00 - Senior Capstone

The Inevitable

Well it has turned out to be a pretty difficult day.  I have had several battles within my head and deep down I know it is satan talking, but it is still hard you know? When life begins to get stressful and when I start to feel like I am losing control, my mind immediately begins having negative thoughts. Once the negativity starts, it is almost impossible to stop it from taking over.  When I start feeling this way my first instinct is to keep it all inside and shut myself off from the people that can help the most. I can't really explain how I feel so I talk myself out of trying to explain it to others.  This kind of negative thinking in the past has resulted in me pushing people away that I was very close to.  I do not want to repeat the past so my goal for the next week or however long this lasts is to remind myself not to let go of the people that care and then to actually let those people help.

God Bless,
Hannah

Beginning of the Final Semester

So it has been several months since I have even though about my blog.  Life has been crazy and often stressful but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is weird to think that my time at Lipscomb University will soon be coming to an end.  I never thought my college years would go by as quickly as they have.  Looking back over the three and a half years I can see how my life has changed and how I have 'grown up' in many ways.  I have learned that not all of your 'friends' are really your friends but I have also learned to appreciate and cherish the ones who stayed by my side through all the ups and downs.  I have learned the importance of prioritizing and studying and how they really do help after all (who would have thought)! I understand the difference between college life and college. Actually going to class and paying attention actually pays off in the long run. Befriending the teachers and spending time listening to their words of wisdom can be one of the most beneficial things you do your entire college career.  My last two years I have really had to learn how to balance my social life with my academic life. For me it seemed easier to just bury myself in my schoolwork, but I soon realized that if my friends were important to me, I had to make time for them.  College is about learning how to make time for the things you want to do and the things you need to do and being able to recognize the difference.

I'm not quite sure what I will do in this next stage of my life.  College is definitely not the real world and, to be honest, I am a bit timid of the real world. I know that ten years from now this point in my life will not seem at all significant and I may even laugh at myself.  I really do feel like things are about to change drastically and to quote one of my favorite tv shows "If there is a feeling of being half totally excited and half completely ready to panic, then that's how I feel". So now all I have to say is...Bring on the final semester!!!

God Bless