The things taught to me by Les Miserables...yes this probably makes me a super nerd.

I will preface this blog by apologizing to all those reading this who could care less about literature and the effect it has on my life. I, for one, find reading inspirational and life changing, for those of you who would rather just see the movie or read the Cliff Notes...well I'm sorry.

"Life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment, poverty, are the fields of battle which have their heroes; obscure heroes, who are, sometimes, grander than the heroes who win renown". This beautifully worded sentence, in my humble opinion, sums up the masterpiece of Les Miserables (or at least all of it that I have read so far). Every character in the book (the movie is slightly deceiving) deals with every one of the obstacles in this sentence.  I find myself relating greatly to the character of Marius Pontmercy (the Marius from the book, not so much the movie). I am reading about him right now and I have found these similarities: he is passionate about what he believes, loyal to his friends, and he loves deeper and differently than what is culturally acceptable. I like comparing myself to characters in a book because, A. it helps me stay focused on the reading and, B. it makes me feel that I am not spending so much time reading for nothing. Before I go into how Marius and myself are alike, I will try to explain the excerpt from the book and how it fits Marius and indirectly...me.

Life. Misfortune. Isolation. Abandonment. Poverty.  If you will let yourself admit it, you have probably experienced one or all of these things. The "heroes" of these battlefields are the little but humongous (for lack of a better word) lessons that they teach us and the people that they turn us in to.  The heroes that "stand the test of time" and make it into all the books are good, don't get me wrong, but they are not GRAND. The people who experience the above terms and come out better people turn into heroes. Wisdom. Wisdom is the difference between "obscure, grand heroes" and "heroes who win renown". Marius, who was born into renown, wealth, and power, gave it all up because of a passion he had. He became a hero because of the fight he had to fight.

Marius is passionate about what he believes in. Marius leaves everything that was comfortable with to become a part of the French Revolution. It was what he truly believed was right. He gave it his all and made it his world. He didn't always have support, and he didn't always have society on his side, but yet he still gave it his all. I find myself experiencing this same kind of passion. I have a passion for missions and a passion for Honduras. So I cannot lie and say that it will not forever be a huge part of my life because I want to give it my all.

Marius is loyal to his friends. When he leaves his family, Marius has nothing. He has been raised in bitterness so it is hard at first for him to open himself up to people.  When he finds a group of young men who share his passion for the revolution he becomes very loyal. He doesn't become very close to many people, but when he is finally able to open himself up, he won't leave their side. I too, share his struggle with opening up to just anyone. It is a struggle for me to be "raw" with people, but once I find those friends, I will do whatever it takes to always be there for them.

Marius loves deeper and differently than what is culturally acceptable.  Marius was pretty well known throughout his group of friends as the one who would never fall in love. He was focused and he knew what he wanted. When he saw Cosette in the park (ignore the part of this that sounds a bit stalker-ish and just go with it), he knew. His passion and his loyalty played a part in his experiencing love. I find myself relating to him in this way. Culture is not always willing to accept those people who know what they want and don't want to experiment much.  This kind of love does not necessarily have to be romantic love.  The love I have for people is such a deep love that comes from love of my God. I don't always do the right things or make the right decisions, but all of the decisions I make come from love and come from my yearning to follow God.

 All of these things, I pray will help make me a hero to someone.  I want to live a life that people see as inspirational. I apologize to the people so close to my heart whom I have let down and disappointed. Just know that I am still going through "life, misfortune, isolation, abandonment and poverty" and I haven't left the battlefield, I am still learning.

I will probably write a few more blogs about my experience reading Les Mis. This book is literally packed full of fascinating ideas and true life that is so easy to relate too. So, if you have the patience to read through 980 pages of intense literature, please do! I have learned so much reading this book. Ok, that's it for now!

A Very Merry Christmas to You All

It has been a truly wonderful Christmas. I have also had a lot to think about this year. It seems that every year that I get older, I experience Christmas differently. A lot has happened this year. I have learned a lot and grown a lot, but I have also lost a lot and messed up a lot. I guess that's part of life. But as I sat in the living room looking at all of the faces that raised me and influenced me, I realized that my life is a journey; or better yet, it is a book. Life holds many chapters. Some good, some sad, some climactic. As Christians, we know the end of our story, but it is the pages and chapters in between that lead us to that end. This last year has been quite the "nail biting", "teeth chattering", "sit on the edge of your seat" kind of chapter. As this year gets closer to ending I pray that I continue to write my story in a way that glorifies my Savior. This Christmas I have watched my family stay strong and be able to enjoy a Christmas without the loving presence of my wonderful cousin, Isaac, I have watched my family laugh and play together, and it has taught me to value the time I have.

I am very happy and at peace. Although I am anxious to see the next chapter in my book, and I hope I know who and what will be in it, I am at peace because I know my family is there, and I know God is the one really writing my story.

Merry Christmas to you all. And thank you all for being in my life "book"!

Four Stages

I think there are four stages of regret. The first, apathy: trying to ignore any negative feelings you may have. This could last any where from two to six weeks. Apathy temporarily let's you 'live' your life without feeling; without worrying. But suppressing feelings can only last so long. The second stage is guilt. This guilt slowly creeps up on you while you are 'trying' to be apathetic. Eventually you cannot ignore your feelings anymore. Along with guilt comes desperately tying to find ways to make yourself feel better. Many times, this results in living in the past and wishing you had done or said something differently. The third stage is frustration. During this stage you have almost exhausted all of your attempts to make things better. You have apologized and you have felt remorse and there seems to be nothing left to do. This is frustrating. And this is exhausting. So the fourth stage is forgiveness. There eventually becomes a moment when you realize there is nothing more to be done but rely completely and utterly on God. And during this stage you are finally able to forgive yourself. This does not mean that others have forgiven you. You cannot change the past but you can change the future. So there is no point in dwelling on what you did or did not do, but rather dwell on what you can do today and tomorrow that will make things right. It is also imperative to remember that God is on your side. So at any point, I you feel you are stuck in one of these four stages, talk to God. He always makes me feel better.

Patience...A Virtue?

Well I have learned this week that I am not as patient as I thought I was or thought I could be. Patience is something that is hard to explain. Is patience the actual act of waiting without worrying or is it the feeling of peace you get when you know God is in control or is it pretending like you are not worried but on the inside you are swarmed with anticipation? If I could pick one of those three things to describe me it would unfortunately be the last one. I frustrate myself so much when I tell people I am a patient person. Truth is, I think God is constantly trying to teach me this virtue. About a week ago I prayed that God would give me patience that He would teach me to be content with His timing. Well I forget that God likes to teach and give through experiences, because I cannot be patient or learn patience without having first been put in a situation where I must be patient. God knows what He is doing and I know I will be a better person for it one day. After all, patience is a virtue.

Waiting...

It is time to wait,
Wait,
Wait,
What is that? Is it truth?
Is it sadness? Is it the end?

When regret takes over,
and time stands still,
is the road a dead end?
Can a sorry heart heal a mistake?

One day. One day when all is made well,
And only light prevails, the questions will be answered.
The truth will be told.
The sadness will really be happiness.
The roads will be made clear.
And all will be well.

But wait.
For now...just wait.

Three Words

It is amazing how three simple words put in the correct order can capture a mind and a heart.  They can change a life.  But is it really possible for two people to say those words and really mean them? Is it really possible for two people to mean the same thing?  Life has taught me that there are certain things worth holding on to.  There are difficult moments in life but at the end of the day all I want is to hear those three words.  All I want is to know that everything will be okay.  But everything will not always be okay.  Life is full of darkness and pain but there are also moments in life that are beautiful and full of light and happiness.  So when I think of those three simple words, that is what I think of. I think of pain, darkness and sadness; but at the end of the day I am thinking of the beautiful light and joy that I can share with the people around me.  Life will not always feel right. Life will not always make things easy or straightforward.  But if you told tight to those three simple words and the people you wish to share them with, then at the end of the day you can find comfort in hearing, "I Love You".  And you can rest assured those words will last forever.

Just a Little Venting

Well this one won't be very long I just need somewhere to write. Life the past couple months have been difficult. I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do with my life. Mission work is pretty clear in my mind, I just don't know how to start or how, even, to tell people "hey I think I want to be a missionary for awhile"; that's just not how our culture works or thinks. So I think I know what path I want to take, but this waiting to figure out how is really getting me down. I have a job and I am so thankful for it. I feel like my life right now is work, sleep, and think and dream about my life in Honduras. I go to bed early, wake up early and study Spanish. Pretty lame, I know. It's hard. It tiring. And I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I'm in a different stage of my life and I feel like I'm going through it alone. Everyone I know is either in school or beginning their life here. But I feel that I have unfinished business in Honduras. God has made His voice pretty clear, I just don't know where to start. Prayers would be very appreciated and any advice would be greatly welcomed. Sorry for being so down, it's just been building up. But I am so thankful for my life, I am just needing some support right now!